Home Delivery

News, features, sports, opinion and more!

Email Newsletters

Sign up for News Tribune email newsletters and stay in the know.
Lifestyle

Column: The Ten Commandments of Driving

Regardless of your religious bent (or lack thereof) I think we can all agree that the Ten Comm-andments provide great, basic rules for life. What about when driving? Sure, the Rules of the Road cover the mechanics, which we should all remember and follow, especially the rule covering the proper speed when following a truck towing a trailer up an incline after a four-way-stop, but how can we tell right from wrong when behind the wheel?

I give you the Ten Commandments of Driving

10) Thou Shalt Not Pull In Front of Me And Immediately Turn Left.

9) Thou Shalt Not Toss Thy Trash Out Thy Window. That’s just nasty. That also goes for thy cigarette butts.

8) Thou Shalt Not Text While Driving On the Highway. Or else thou art a fool. Soon to be a dead fool.

7) Thou Shalt Not Text While Stopped In Traffic. Or else the light will change and thou will still be sitting there, forcing me to honk, which makes it look like I’m the jerk, when really it is thou.

6) Thou Shalt Use Thy Turn Signal. And not when thou hast already stopped. Thy turn signal is supposed to tell others that thy will slow down IN THE FUTURE. If thou hast already stopped with no warning, making me hit the brakes, I hast already figured out thou art turning.

5) Thou Shalt Not Pull In Front of Me on The Highway To Pass The Car In Front of Thee If Thou Art Going Only Mile Per Hour Faster Than That Other Car. Hang back one second and I shall be past thee. Then thee can take an hour to pass that car for all I care.

4) Thou Shalt Not Exceed The Speed Limit by 30 MPH. Weaving In & Out of Traffic. Thou art not a driver at the Indy 500. Thou art a dangerous idiot.

3) Thou Shalt Not Hang Out In The Left Lane. The left lane is for passing. The right lane is for yopey-doping along with all the time in the world. Even if there are more than two lanes, thy shant park in the center lane. Thy fellow drivers hath places to go.

2) Thou Shalt Not Tailgate. Even if thou art stuck behind someone breaking Commandment 3, and nobody would blame thee if thou called down a plague of locusts upon the left-lane-parking sinner, thy must not tailgate. Too dangerous.

1) Thou Shalt Not Wait Until The Last Possible Second To Merge When Thy Lane is Ending. If thou doest so, thy cause me and all the other drivers righteously traveling in the non-merging lane to suffer the torments of the damned, having to slam on the brakes to let in thee and thy non-merging brethren. If thou art in my lane and thee sees the ending lane is moving faster, and thou pulls out into that lane to ride it to the end, therefore saving two seconds of travel time, thy art beyond saving. There is a special circle in Hades for thee.

You may think I made up these commandments because I’m an impatient and critical driver, but they were divinely inspired.

I walked up the hill near my house and saw the usual after-weekend pile of tossed out beer cans and McDonald’s wrappers, but it was aflame. And a voice that sounded like Charlton Heston came from the skies, giving me these rules for righteous driving. I carried them down the hill, emblazoned on the hood of a 2015 Toyota Prius.

Peg Schulte and her husband, Bill, are agents with Dimond Bros. Insurance in Peru. Her blog, pegoleg.com, has more than 16,000 readers. Blogging platform giant WordPress has chosen her site to be on their shortlist of Recommended Humor Blogs. Peg can be reached at schultef2@yahoo.com.

Loading more